It has now been three months since my surgery to finally help with the pain issues that have made this year so difficult. At this point things have gotten better. The amount of drugs I need has lessened. That being said, the drugs make things things tough too. They are hard on the brain, and the body. For so reason the meds I take make things worse before they get better, which is never any fun. It doesn’t make morning much fun. Unfortunately, I am stuck with the devil I know. I attempted to look into alternatives, but that only made things worse last year. So, I am take my meds and hope things continue to improve and I can get back to living life again.
In my mind I have been around and around and the one thing I hope for is that I can get to a place where I know I am reliable. That someone can call and say lets do this, and I say yep. I am not there yet. I still have good days. I still have days that I am laid out all day. I’d rather be out doing something, but I just seems to much work. With all this waiting and hoping I probably could do more. But, I feel so worn out at this point. And, the more I lay around and do nothing the better things get. So, I have pretty much laid around that last two weeks. I guess I have just accepted it going to be what ever it is going to be. So, I pretty much in a blah, apathetic mood with a layering of bitterness. I just waste my days away hoping.
I will be the first to admit I am no fun to be around. I can’t say I blame anyone. I am four years out from this incident and I feel has if time hasn’t moved on. I still feel the same as I did four years ago. I don’t feel as I have progressed on any level. It is hard for me. Has I always was doing something or working towards something, or a plan for something. Today, I have no plan or something in my life. I just keep moving along.
I so wish I could one day share some good news. It has been so long since I have written anything that is hopeful and optimistic. Something good. Something I would be excited to share. So, yeah, I haven’t written as much as I would like. I guess I just don’t know what to write about. The days just plug along and maybe one day I can be reliable and get back to making plans. until then, it is what it is. Nothing I can do. Just wait, and hope.