29 Mar

So often I have come here and just started writing, because I had to say, share, or vent about something. But, as I sit here I have many things that I want to share. But, this time I am at a lose as what to say or how to say it. Considering the past few post have been far from up beat. Since my last post in some ways nothing has changed. But, something certainly has changed.

It has been nearly two months since my surgery to hopefully help with this nerve pain that has kept me down for what seem like forever somedays. Today, I am not sure what to think about the outcome of the surgery. It seems to go up and down, some better than others. Some not so good. While at the same time I seem to have been able to reduce the amount of meds. Nonetheless, it has been two months and I was told that it would take at least two months to realize the outcome. Or at least that is what I am hanging onto as now that I am at two month and still struggling some days. I am not just not sure what to think. I wanna hope it will get better, but somedays I am just not sure what is ahead of me. It is all just so very foggy and unclear. If I see anything at all.

However, in the midst of this this fog that has come over me I am at a point I don’t know where to go or what to do. Or, even worse what can I do? I feel safe in saying this has the been the most difficult time in my life. Once, always on the move and up to something. I find myself stopped and stuck and no where to go. No ability to go. No heading off on a whim. I just can’t be relied upon, even myself. I don’t know what may lay ahead of me, but there has to be something better. As, never thought I could ever get to a point in life where I say, “it can’t get any worse than this.” I used to drive someone nuts because I would say it always could get worse. Turns out it can. And for me, this can’t get any worse.

Some how, some way in the fog there has been a light that has shined though the fog and kept me going. Over the past year, very likely two years. I have been chatting with someone who lives abroad. Thanks to the wonder of the Internet and social networking we have been talking since 2009. We have always had a lot to talk about and share. There have been many of night and days we would talk. It did get to a point we both wanted to meet up and see what happens. From our time it was without a easy chance to take. But, with this pain that has come on has it has over the past year it has made that difficult. Or, my frustration made it difficult.

Once it was decided that surgery was possible the best strategy to mitigate the pain it was thought she would come for a visit after my surgery, hoping I would be feeling back to myself. In all honesty, I was very, very cautious and unsure about it. I didn’t know if I wanted the visit. I was still struggling from surgery and my nerve pain from the injury was still real. The last thing I wanted was to have her come and visit and see my frustration and the chip on the shoulder and that be it, game over. It would have been just too much for me. It feels like since my accident I have been left behind has everyone as move forward and lived their lives. While, I have failed to achieve and progress over these past four years, and losing on more part of my life would have been too much.

Life as it is always throws a curve ball into the mix just to, well I don’t know why but a curve ball I got. In the end she did come to visit me here in Colorado. I really wasn’t sure and extremely nervous about the whole thing. I didn’t know what to expect, and I certainly didn’t know what I could do. But, as always I was mostly wrong about the whole thing. It is hard to know where to start with Dallal. BTW, that is her name. Like I said. We have been talking a long time and it has been great. The time she was here it was great. Even though I had my bad days, I had some pretty great days too. By the end of her trip it was hard to see her go. But, she still has six more months in Egypt and I am still healing from my surgery. Good news is that at a time when I had lost all hope a little bit of light has shown thru. Myself I am still scared and not sure what is going on with my body, but she has hope. So, that is hope I can hang onto. Hope when I need it most.

I want to share some of the her trip and what we did, but that will be next time. Soon, rather than later this next time.

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Posted by on March 29, 2011 in Previous Posts


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