13 Feb

I want to thank everyone for their prayers and thoughts, don’t think they haven’t been heard. I have heard them. But, as I am now two weeks post surgery for some relief from the pain I deal with on a daily basis had seemed to be getting better, but today however it was back it old ways. Being back home in a quieter place is much nicer. I actually got home on Friday. But, now waiting to see if this huge gamble paid off? At this point I have no expectation of real and significant improvement. So, as I look forward I figure maybe I may get just enough improvement over the next six weeks to where I could possible get a job at the mall across 36. Pushing distance from my house. Something part-time to keep my mind busy. And, just doing what I can.

What makes this difficult for me is that once I could do anything, and would do so. Now, I have come to peace that I have a life of retail part-time work and living with the constant need of meds to keep going. I was just hoping to reduce my med needs as I know how they effect me. I guess, I have come to peace with the reality of what it is. I would like to use the word “hope”, but I can’t. I am tired of being disappointed, and I just can’t be disappointed again. I have been disappointed just one too many times over the years.

After coming back to colorado I tried to find work. I bought a place hoping I could start new and strong. But, as I applied and interviewed for positions without success, each one had it’s own disappointment. in ’09 I have a plane for a business, which from everyone I spoke with about in the industry liked the concept. However, due the fact the industry is very slow right now it wasn’t the right time. Adding to the fact I have worked in the field in 4 years has pretty much left me out the industry. It has been too long and getting back into it with what I have to deal isn’t possible. I couldn’t be dependable and available enough. I once had a degree in Broadcasting. I even attempted to volunteer with the city of broomfield on some work with televising football games. after speaking with someone, I got an email several months later that I wouldn’t be needed. That was a tough one. I can’t even find a place volunteer. Over the years, I went to two retirement communities to offer my help, I never heard back from either of them. Back in ’08 I was hopeful I could get a position at Apple in Flatirons, nope.

I guess, I have accepted I have a future that doesn’t look bright as I thought it could be. After two college degrees and lots of awesome work, it doesn’t mean much anymore. I have my mom, which she has to put up with me, for that is unfair to her. I can’t blame her, as I don’t like being around me. If I didn’t have to I wouldn’t. As, rarely to have a smile on my face. I would like more out of my life. Maybe, I just peaked at 29. After this is life chained to meds and it’s effects.

I don’t know how this is going work out. But, I no longer dream of big things. There are times I day dream of things I’d like to do. In an odd way, that give me a life I could have had. It does seem to help at times. In the end, I don’t know how things are going to shake out. I have done as much as I can do. At this point it is a matter of sitting and waiting, expecting nothing. I hope I am wrong. But, at this point it is out of my hands. What will be will be. I have come to terms that is is the way life is going to be. I’ll let ya’ll do the praying for me. Mine seems to be ignored. I don’t know when I will write again. As, I am sick and tired of sharing my place in life. I just can’t do it anymore.

Keep the praying up? I have accepted the way things are. Maybe one of you all might be heard.


Posted by on February 13, 2011 in Previous Posts


4 responses to “Reality

  1. cuz paul

    February 13, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
    We are not now that strength which in old days
    Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
    One equal temper of heroic hearts,
    Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
    To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

  2. Jessie

    February 13, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    No matter where you are, you will always be my friend. 🙂 Happy belated birthday. Love you!

  3. Susan MacDonald

    February 15, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    Per Joel’s request I am writing in response to his last few entries.
    After reading Joel’s last two entries I decided to go visit Joel and Rory yesterday. I was pleasnantly surprised. Joel was up and working on his finances, looking pretty good for a guy who had a major surgery less than two week ago. We shared coffee and good conversation.
    To sum up our conversation Joel is tired of being let down, too many disappointments with surgeries, jobs etc. He does not want to get his hopes up any more. So I think it is our job, as friends and family to keep positive, be optimistic, send good thoughts and prayers. Do what ever feels right for you….as Joel says he is tired of all of the above.
    He was resting when I left and was planning on a drive in the afternoon.
    Rory and Joel were a good team which is what I hope for both of them every day. They certainly deserve that.
    I think when Joel posted a few days ago there was some pain and great disappointment. I
    am sure all of you who know Joel could feel his pain.
    Joel has lots more to accomplish so let us, hope, pray and wish for good changes in his life. We are ALL here to help Joel move on to much happier days. Keep him always in your thoughts.
    Susan MacDonald

  4. recoveryjoel

    February 22, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Thanks, Susan. Hopefully you are right.


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