I want to thank everyone for their prayers and thoughts, don’t think they haven’t been heard. I have heard them. But, as I am now two weeks post surgery for some relief from the pain I deal with on a daily basis had seemed to be getting better, but today however it was back it old ways. Being back home in a quieter place is much nicer. I actually got home on Friday. But, now waiting to see if this huge gamble paid off? At this point I have no expectation of real and significant improvement. So, as I look forward I figure maybe I may get just enough improvement over the next six weeks to where I could possible get a job at the mall across 36. Pushing distance from my house. Something part-time to keep my mind busy. And, just doing what I can.
What makes this difficult for me is that once I could do anything, and would do so. Now, I have come to peace that I have a life of retail part-time work and living with the constant need of meds to keep going. I was just hoping to reduce my med needs as I know how they effect me. I guess, I have come to peace with the reality of what it is. I would like to use the word “hope”, but I can’t. I am tired of being disappointed, and I just can’t be disappointed again. I have been disappointed just one too many times over the years.
After coming back to colorado I tried to find work. I bought a place hoping I could start new and strong. But, as I applied and interviewed for positions without success, each one had it’s own disappointment. in ’09 I have a plane for a business, which from everyone I spoke with about in the industry liked the concept. However, due the fact the industry is very slow right now it wasn’t the right time. Adding to the fact I have worked in the field in 4 years has pretty much left me out the industry. It has been too long and getting back into it with what I have to deal isn’t possible. I couldn’t be dependable and available enough. I once had a degree in Broadcasting. I even attempted to volunteer with the city of broomfield on some work with televising football games. after speaking with someone, I got an email several months later that I wouldn’t be needed. That was a tough one. I can’t even find a place volunteer. Over the years, I went to two retirement communities to offer my help, I never heard back from either of them. Back in ’08 I was hopeful I could get a position at Apple in Flatirons, nope.
I guess, I have accepted I have a future that doesn’t look bright as I thought it could be. After two college degrees and lots of awesome work, it doesn’t mean much anymore. I have my mom, which she has to put up with me, for that is unfair to her. I can’t blame her, as I don’t like being around me. If I didn’t have to I wouldn’t. As, rarely to have a smile on my face. I would like more out of my life. Maybe, I just peaked at 29. After this is life chained to meds and it’s effects.
I don’t know how this is going work out. But, I no longer dream of big things. There are times I day dream of things I’d like to do. In an odd way, that give me a life I could have had. It does seem to help at times. In the end, I don’t know how things are going to shake out. I have done as much as I can do. At this point it is a matter of sitting and waiting, expecting nothing. I hope I am wrong. But, at this point it is out of my hands. What will be will be. I have come to terms that is is the way life is going to be. I’ll let ya’ll do the praying for me. Mine seems to be ignored. I don’t know when I will write again. As, I am sick and tired of sharing my place in life. I just can’t do it anymore.
Keep the praying up? I have accepted the way things are. Maybe one of you all might be heard.