As all of you know I have been down at Craig for a surgery to assist with my nerve pain. Now this being the third surgery it has become old. The first week was very hard, and with limited sleep and a truck load of meds. Still taken, the meds. I really haven’t had a good night sleep since I got here. I just want to go to a place I know and go to sleep for week. Because, it feels like I could use it. Even now someone comes into the room at least once an hour, which always wakes me up as I am next the the door. So, I have not wanted visitors. I figure this is my mess I need to deal with it on my own. I don’t know if I am right, but it seems after four years I should be able to handle my own life. My time here has given me some opportunity to comeback and effectively make a restart. When I was here four years I had everything to lose, and did so. This time, when I leave I will have nothing to hang on too. Nothing to lose. In a fleeting way I am ok with that. It will make the transition back into life, fingers crossed, easier. It takes work to maintain those things. The effort and thought to maintain the things I once had were work. Not having to worry about any of that is good, but downside to that prospect is something I know. Even if this works out I know I have not days, weeks, or months to get back to anywhere close will take years. That is what is so daunting for me. After I came back from Seattle it wasn’t till 2004 or 2005 did I get back again. Doing that math that is 3 or 4 years. Obviously, after my accident I had to do the same. Four years later….Same. I realize life is hard, but damn. I feel I deserve more than a roof over my head and a car to get me places. I’m sorry, I want more out of my life. Being here, now. I never could have imagined that things would have turned out the way they did. I wonder is this it? Will my pain keep me down and forever keep me down. I can’t anyone expect to understand the discomfort I deal with. It is that, and that alone that holds me back. Not my #$%^^@# chair. I guess I am just wore out and tired. I just don’t know what to do. I have been imperfect, but I did’t give up. At least I don’t think so. The real truth is….I am pissed and angry. I can’t deny that. I feel it is pretty safe to say that is pretty evident on my face. I just don’t know anymore. Don’t know what to say. I wish I could share wonderful things. but, this isn’t possible right now.
As I think of who I am now, I am most certainly not the man I was four and a half years ago. Not the same person today, no longer a man. Watching the Packers win the Superbowl, go Pack. Many have asked if I am a cheesehead. As ma brought down down a cheesehead for the Superbowl. I am not, but dad was. As I write this I remember at his funeral I said that one day I hope to be half the man he was. As I sit here now all these years later, and in the position I am in. I cry with fear and anger as that just won’t be possible. if this it. I won’t have that chance. I guess that’s life.