10 Feb

As all of you know I have been down at Craig for a surgery to assist with my nerve pain. Now this being the third surgery it has become old. The first week was very hard, and with limited sleep and a truck load of meds. Still taken, the meds. I really haven’t had a good night sleep since I got here. I just want to go to a place I know and go to sleep for week. Because, it feels like I could use it. Even now someone comes into the room at least once an hour, which always wakes me up as I am next the the door. So, I have not wanted visitors. I figure this is my mess I need to deal with it on my own. I don’t know if I am right, but it seems after four years I should be able to handle my own life. My time here has given me some opportunity to comeback and effectively make a restart. When I was here four years I had everything to lose, and did so. This time, when I leave I will have nothing to hang on too. Nothing to lose. In a fleeting way I am ok with that. It will make the transition back into life, fingers crossed, easier. It takes work to maintain those things. The effort and thought to maintain the things I once had were work. Not having to worry about any of that is good, but downside to that prospect is something I know. Even if this works out I know I have not days, weeks, or months to get back to anywhere close will take years. That is what is so daunting for me. After I came back from Seattle it wasn’t till 2004 or 2005 did I get back again. Doing that math that is 3 or 4 years. Obviously, after my accident I had to do the same. Four years later….Same. I realize life is hard, but damn. I feel I deserve more than a roof over my head and a car to get me places. I’m sorry, I want more out of my life. Being here, now. I never could have imagined that things would have turned out the way they did. I wonder is this it? Will my pain keep me down and forever keep me down. I can’t anyone expect to understand the discomfort I deal with. It is that, and that alone that holds me back. Not my #$%^^@# chair. I guess I am just wore out and tired. I just don’t know what to do. I have been imperfect, but I did’t give up. At least I don’t think so. The real truth is….I am pissed and angry. I can’t deny that. I feel it is pretty safe to say that is pretty evident on my face. I just don’t know anymore. Don’t know what to say. I wish I could share wonderful things. but, this isn’t possible right now.

As I think of who I am now, I am most certainly not the man I was four and a half years ago. Not the same person today, no longer a man. Watching the Packers win the Superbowl, go Pack. Many have asked if I am a cheesehead. As ma brought down down a cheesehead for the Superbowl. I am not, but dad was. As I write this I remember at his funeral I said that one day I hope to be half the man he was. As I sit here now all these years later, and in the position I am in. I cry with fear and anger as that just won’t be possible. if this it. I won’t have that chance. I guess that’s life.


Posted by on February 10, 2011 in Previous Posts


4 responses to “Recovery

  1. Jennifer

    February 10, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Dearest Joel,
    Thanks for having the courage to write! Just that says so much about who you are. I continue to pray great things for you. I know from your post you want more and you will get it. I can’t even imagine the pain you have gone through. Not only physically but mentally as well. You are truly an inspiration to me. Please know that you have so many people pulling for you and you are not in this alone!! I would love to help you with anything. I read that you don’t want visitors and I will respect that but can you please let me know when you do, I will be there! Here’s to a quick and complete recovery!
    All my love and respect,
    Jennifer Bishop

  2. Clay

    February 11, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Hi Joel,

    It was good to hear your voice a few weeks ago on the phone. Sorry to hear the recovery isn’t going smoother. I know you’ll be happy to get out of there. Your friend Jennifer is right, you have a great number of people pulling for you. It takes a strong person to go through what you have been through. Most of us will never know the physical and mental pain you’ve endured, and you should not think for one minute that you don’t measure up to your Dad. Remember that we all have those times in our lives when we are less than perfect – that’s life. Your father would be very proud of you Joel.

    • Juli and John Begley

      February 12, 2011 at 7:05 pm

      I will pray for acceptance for you. You have had a difficult journey but only you can accept the situation. I hope your journey will begin on the path of which you have been placed. , one that leads to self acceptance and production. Be productive my dear. We all know what you are capable of from skydiving, skiing, X-country driving etc……… Pick your self up and go to it!!! Glad you are doing well…………………..

  3. JL

    February 12, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    Hi Joel Some men are called, for some reason in God’s unfathomable plan, to fight enemies more hideous than the rest of us— you have been continuously fighting the manly battle, some days with great
    strength, some days with just with what you can muster up ….. but you keep fighting ! Quite a man!
    I’m praying for your physical healing and freedom from the pain !! And also that God show you a purpose and a firm commitment to battle on, every day. With many prayers ! JL


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