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Whats Next?

20 Jan

Clearly, this up-coming surgery is foremost on my mind. Surgery itself is scary enough. But what may come of it is far more scary. I don’t know how things will turn out. With the way things have gotten, I feel a bit imprisoned. I haven’t gotten out much. My social life has up and disappeared like a fart int the wind. It hasn’t allowed me to work. And, well, it is no fun having what I have to go through with my injury. So as I look forward to this procedure, I feel that if things go well, I will be released from house arrest. Or things will continue to remain as things are.

I realize I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt that day all those years ago. I did pay the price for that mistake, but I don’t deserve what I have had to deal with — especially this pain. It has taken much of my life away from me. It has changed me in a way. Pain can do that. Pain is the true work of the devil.

With my mistake, I have tried to make a life for myself. I didn’t give up on working again. Or finding my place in life. It was an adventure to get there but I haven’t gotten there yet. I know I have tried to do the right things and move forward. I thought I was moving on. But as I look back, even with all I have done, I am not sure I have accomplished anything. That may not make sense, but it does in my mind.

So as my surgery day nears closer, I can’t help to get the feeling like I’m waiting for a parole hearing. Will I be released for good behavior? I have been good. I did make my mistake, but I have paid for that mistake and maybe then some. I do deserve some good in this life. I do deserve to be paroled, and to be released to finally find my place in this world. I am anxious for my surgery. Will I get paroled? I hope so.

If I do, I have some thoughts on what I would do. But I am keeping those mostly to myself. As I have learned long ago, if you wanna make God laugh, tell him your plans. So until then, the routine continues, and I wait for my hearing. Hoping the things I did will make up for the mistake I made all those years ago. So, I wait for what’s next?

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3 Comments

Posted by on January 20, 2011 in Previous Posts

 

3 responses to “Whats Next?

  1. mb

    January 21, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Joel,
    Self reflection is always a good thing. Keep it up and stay healthy for the surgery…
    We’ll be thinking of you! MB

     
  2. Jane

    January 23, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Thinking about you on a ‘regular’ now. I can only say that uncertainty tests our resolve to the max. You have come through so much and I do think that you are overdue a visit from the good karma fairy. I have everything crossed for you.

    x Jane x

     
  3. Juli and John Begley

    January 29, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    You have indeed paid the ultimate price. And you are alive! The surgery should relieve your pain and you can get back to participating in life’s daily adventures . You are NEEDED and very much loved. You will be (and have been) in our thoughts and prayers.
    Hugs!!!!

     

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