Clearly, this up-coming surgery is foremost on my mind. Surgery itself is scary enough. But what may come of it is far more scary. I don’t know how things will turn out. With the way things have gotten, I feel a bit imprisoned. I haven’t gotten out much. My social life has up and disappeared like a fart int the wind. It hasn’t allowed me to work. And, well, it is no fun having what I have to go through with my injury. So as I look forward to this procedure, I feel that if things go well, I will be released from house arrest. Or things will continue to remain as things are.
I realize I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt that day all those years ago. I did pay the price for that mistake, but I don’t deserve what I have had to deal with — especially this pain. It has taken much of my life away from me. It has changed me in a way. Pain can do that. Pain is the true work of the devil.
With my mistake, I have tried to make a life for myself. I didn’t give up on working again. Or finding my place in life. It was an adventure to get there but I haven’t gotten there yet. I know I have tried to do the right things and move forward. I thought I was moving on. But as I look back, even with all I have done, I am not sure I have accomplished anything. That may not make sense, but it does in my mind.
So as my surgery day nears closer, I can’t help to get the feeling like I’m waiting for a parole hearing. Will I be released for good behavior? I have been good. I did make my mistake, but I have paid for that mistake and maybe then some. I do deserve some good in this life. I do deserve to be paroled, and to be released to finally find my place in this world. I am anxious for my surgery. Will I get paroled? I hope so.
If I do, I have some thoughts on what I would do. But I am keeping those mostly to myself. As I have learned long ago, if you wanna make God laugh, tell him your plans. So until then, the routine continues, and I wait for my hearing. Hoping the things I did will make up for the mistake I made all those years ago. So, I wait for what’s next?