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HARD Re-Set

06 Jan

As I approach this up-coming surgery I have my routine. It most days gets me thru. I should have addressed this issue much earlier. But, the last thing I wanted to do was go back into surgery. But, things have gotten to a point I have no choice to have my third surgery since my injury now just over four years ago. As i get through each day I have believe things will have to get better. I look inside and search for some hope, but it gets fuzzy and out of sight. So, I hang to the belief that things can get better. As, if this does nothing for me I am left to the very last option, the option I don’t want to face. the only option left after this is a complete destruction of my spinal cord. At this point if that what it takes, then so be it. I am just tired of hanging on. So, as I get thru doing the things I can I am forced to spend time looking inside. It has not been easy, or fun. But, this is where am I am at.

In my attempts to get thru this time I took the time to put together a four year retrospective. Of all the video’s I have put together that one took the most out of me. I first wanted to put a collection of my accomplishments together from the past four years. By, the time I put the final touches on the video it was like I knew I had done all those things, but the memories were gone. I watched as I visited Boston, the trips, shaking the Presidents hand, not only skiing, but waterskiing, my home. But there are gone now. Even my home has been lost. As I am forced to rent it so I don’t foreclose on it. I am right back at home with mom.

Those images of my adventure are left to that. This past year really tore me down. And, now it has been so long since I felt I said I won. I have been without a victory in sometime, and even that isn’t something that I can remember. All those feelings and emotions with what I had done are gone. I try and watch watch all the videos I have put together hoping that those thoughts and emotions would return. I haven’t found them, and fear they are gone forever? I don’t know what’s in front of me and what may come of this procedure, but I do know I will be starting over again, but almost without all I was. I fear that this past year changed me that I will never come back from this. Or, just maybe one day when I can be looking down I will find them again. But, as I get by day by day looking up believing there has be a better day in front of me. If that day does actually come one day, what would I do? I have been out of both my career so long they no longer are relevant. Time as past me by.

I do still believe. If that is what I have, I’ll take it.

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4 Comments

Posted by on January 6, 2011 in Previous Posts

 

4 responses to “HARD Re-Set

  1. Elizabeth

    January 6, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Joel, As your struggles continue to take their ups and downs I pray that you will find the ups more prevalant than the downs. The man I met 3 years ago had so much excitement for what the future might hold. It was only today that I heard of a man that was down and out and his whole life turned around overnight. He put himself before God and was on the Today show this morning. I miss our talks and wish that u still lived close because I’d love to travel this road with you. Always know you have friends iif you need a ear!
    Elizabeth Beard-Driver, your Athens Apartment Girl!

     
  2. mb

    January 6, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    Joel, You are not on this road alone. Your family and friends are sharing it with you.
    Always remember that, and try to respect yourself always, and those that love you!
    Positive thoughts… MB

     
  3. eric

    January 7, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    jdog, we’re with you brother. good vibes coming your way.

     
  4. recoveryjoel

    January 13, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Elizabeth, I also saw that guy. He seems to have hit a bump. But, I think he looks just like Dr. Sanjay Gupta?

     

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