As I approach this up-coming surgery I have my routine. It most days gets me thru. I should have addressed this issue much earlier. But, the last thing I wanted to do was go back into surgery. But, things have gotten to a point I have no choice to have my third surgery since my injury now just over four years ago. As i get through each day I have believe things will have to get better. I look inside and search for some hope, but it gets fuzzy and out of sight. So, I hang to the belief that things can get better. As, if this does nothing for me I am left to the very last option, the option I don’t want to face. the only option left after this is a complete destruction of my spinal cord. At this point if that what it takes, then so be it. I am just tired of hanging on. So, as I get thru doing the things I can I am forced to spend time looking inside. It has not been easy, or fun. But, this is where am I am at.
In my attempts to get thru this time I took the time to put together a four year retrospective. Of all the video’s I have put together that one took the most out of me. I first wanted to put a collection of my accomplishments together from the past four years. By, the time I put the final touches on the video it was like I knew I had done all those things, but the memories were gone. I watched as I visited Boston, the trips, shaking the Presidents hand, not only skiing, but waterskiing, my home. But there are gone now. Even my home has been lost. As I am forced to rent it so I don’t foreclose on it. I am right back at home with mom.
Those images of my adventure are left to that. This past year really tore me down. And, now it has been so long since I felt I said I won. I have been without a victory in sometime, and even that isn’t something that I can remember. All those feelings and emotions with what I had done are gone. I try and watch watch all the videos I have put together hoping that those thoughts and emotions would return. I haven’t found them, and fear they are gone forever? I don’t know what’s in front of me and what may come of this procedure, but I do know I will be starting over again, but almost without all I was. I fear that this past year changed me that I will never come back from this. Or, just maybe one day when I can be looking down I will find them again. But, as I get by day by day looking up believing there has be a better day in front of me. If that day does actually come one day, what would I do? I have been out of both my career so long they no longer are relevant. Time as past me by.
I do still believe. If that is what I have, I’ll take it.