04 Jan

I have surgery on Feburary 1st, so I am in a holding pattern waiting for this procedure. So, I have my routine that gets me though each day. As, I have reached a level of med intake that is just ay too much. I have been told that I have a 50% of coming out of this pain free. I am not asking for that. I do hope that is what I get. But, a 50% reduction in pain and the need for pain meds would be a huge victory for me. At this point I would take any help.

I was on these meds for three years before they caught up with me. Early on I was taking the meds, but my mind was so out of whack to be begin with. I didn’t see what and how they were impacting my mind. Over the summer I finally decided to get off them as they were really slamming my mind. That it self was not even close to fun. That is the reason for the nuke in the newest video. But, since the summer I have been slowly and steadily adding to my meds to find a routine in my life. I have also finally come to see how these meds effect my mind. I will be the first to say they really do change my mind. It is hard to describe how they change me. I do know they really amp me up. My mind gets fuzzy. I am kinda there, but not really. So, I am just asking to reduce my pain to a level that I can do more with my life. I hope I don’t need the meds like I do now. Getting back to greater sense of how I am is my greatest hope.

So, for the next 20 days and change I get up around 8ish and take my meds. It takes till noon-ish till I am feeling like i can get out. I always seem to up end up at a coffee shop and take care of things that are apart of daily living. I write, make my movies, and so on. Once 4 o’clock comes around the meds start to lose their effectiveness. And, so from 6pm till 8pm I get though usually in bed watching tv, by the way I have been watching way too much tv. I hit the shower around 8, and then take more meds to help me sleep. I usually, wake up in the middle of the night to use the john, and slowly go back to sleep. 7am comes back and another day.

The procedure I am getting should be helpful. As, this procedure is to remove the junk and crap in my spinal canal. And, it is that crap that is pulling and tearing on my nerves, is the theory. With that thought, there is not question that is nerve pain has gotten worse, and worse over the years. So, really the 64 thousand dollar question is how much will I feel better. I won’t know till then. If I land in the good 50% category, WOW. Hot damn, get out of my way. If this proves less successful, I am then to the point that I will require a destructive procedure, that will forever destroy my cord. Pretty much the nuke option. I hope that isn’t needed? I hear all the time that people are praying for me. I have heard that for years. maybe, all those prayers will finally be heard.

I will be back at Craig on my birthday and no further in life. Although, I have done a lot. I don’t think I have accomplished as much as I thought I could have. Just maybe I will get a birthday gift. So, come March regardless of what happens I am back in a rebuilding mode in life. I have done it before, and not worried about the process, just tired of doing it.

Till then I have my routine and focus on the day. What happens in Feburary, will happen. Till then I am only focused on the day, and what needs to get done. And, being back with mom allows me to do that. She really has been huge this summer and winter. It has been hard on her, but all she does allows me to write and make videos. I couldn’t do this without her.

So, The sun comes up, the sun sets. And, one day I will get there. I just have to remember, one day, this day. Just like my arm tells me.

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Posted by on January 4, 2011 in Previous Posts


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