It seems like so long ago when I wrote about how things got really challenging. I was hoping that things would get better, they didn’t. But, it has taken sometime. When the world fell apart around me this summer I needed help, but didn’t know what to ask for or how to ask? But, since then I have been slowly working to get back and stable. And, after a summer of trying anything to alleviate my nerve pain I am going under the knife again. This is not something I want to do, but with the level of drugs I am taking and life I have been living is it worth the chance to make any improvement to my life. As, I have been going to therapy, pain support group, and etc. I haven’t had any sense of a life in a long time, as it feels. So, come February 1st, I am going having surgery for that chance to make something of my life. Over the past four years I have been in search of my place in life and I am no closer to that. That is what makes this so difficult for me inside. After fours years, I am worse off and no closer to my sense of place life. Although, I haven’t found my place I have tried. I done a lot over the past four years, but feel as if I am just as I was. I can’t expect anyone to understand my frustration on how things have turned out. But, I grind out each day, one at a time. The days seem long, the weeks are short. So, I am on the clock.
As my days pass, I am anxious as to what happens after my surgery? I have been told there is a 50% chance of coming out of this pain free. I could’t imagine a pain free life, but I am sure it is wonderful. Even that said, in the event I do come away this with surgery without pain I still have much, much work ahead of me. As, I will pretty much be in the same place I was. And, back to rebuilding my life. If things don’t go well, I am scared that might happen. And, I will be rebuilding my life based on life I know could be so much better but might not be.
So, on the day of the Winter Solstice and a lunar eclipse I do hope today is the darkest before the dawn. And, from tomorrow on it will get lighter and lighter everyday. As, my own life seems to be getting a bit brighter I look to February 1st and know one thing. If this works out well, I know I will be able to find my place in life. I know it will be ok. I still realize I will have a lot of work ahead of me as I get back to Rockin’ and Yoelling. If, it doesn’t work out well…..I just don’t don’t know. As, with all the meds and everything I have about 4 to 6 hours of kinda productive time. I am not going to lie. That life……? Well, it is too hard to think about, as if this doesn’t work, I will require a forth surgery and that is one that destroys my spinal cord. At this point, I wouldn’t care. I want to get back to living life again. but, I do have one more chance. And, I grind through each day I hang on to thought that, “I know I have better days ahead of me.” I just know there has be a better day for me. I can’t say I deserve anything. but, I just gotta believe there is a better day for me. A day where I wake up and look to the future, not the past or present. I want my future. Is, that too much to ask for?