I have dropped the blogosphere this past year. During this time, I wasn’t sure what to say and share. I don’t know where to start, to be honest. Well, I guess reality this past year was nearly as difficult as my first. Both had their own challenges and disappointments. Both had ended with back at home with mom. It seems like so many lifetimes ago I was only learning to maneuver and learn the ways of living with a spinal cord injury. I will be the first to admit I didn’t take it well. I was many things. Some good, some not so much. But, this year began with ever increasing nerve pain that separated me for the rest of the world. And, I was no closer to any sense of my place in life. Which sent me in to a retreat and surrender, almost give up. And, as the pain got worse and worse, the drugs kept increasing. It wasn’t long before I had lost all sense of control. My brain was fried from years of daily drug usage. By the time May rolled around my whole world had fallen down around me, weather it was true or not. It sure as hell felt that way, and frankly I was angry about it. I needed help, and didn’t know how to ask, or what to ask for.
As of now, things are more in control. But, it is tuff. I am on a countdown to hopefully feeling better. I am also waiting for a conclusion on my LTD litigation issue, which has destroyed my financial life. The dollars I am owed is astounding. Meanwhile, I am barely making ends meet. I had hoped of finding work, and a few other things. It really hasn’t’ turned out like I had ever imagined. It has been a daily struggle, as I feel as I should be in the prime of my life, but I am very far from that. I can’t expect anyone to understand my frustration and what I am dealing with, but I am doing the best I can. Until, then I do what I can.
In my time, as I wait for this surgery, I took the time to watch 127 hours. Which, I found to be a great movie. What caught my attention most was not the story about this guy who cut off his arm to save his life, but the person himself. Who he was, and how he was. His persona and mentality I found he was much like me. I found myself rather disengaged with the cutting off of the arm, and really watching the person and what he was going thru at the time, and as he reflected on his own life I saw much of him in me. Not, exactly like me. But, I saw a similarity in him. And, as I wait and spend time in therapy and find a greater sense of myself I was struck by this individual. I can’t say I have some great ah-ha moment. But, it did create a few questions within myself.
I have said before that I have also been writing on my own, which has been good, I have found a greater sense of where I have been, and where I would like to go. That being said, I am in a holding pattern for good or bad. There are no guarantees that this surgery will go well. But, since it is a few days before my birthday, just maybe I will get a awesome birthday present and reduce this pain to a manageable level so, I can be living that life I want so bad. I know there is so much ahead of me, but I need to keep my focus on each day. It has been a hell of a year, maybe 2011 will be one that I break out and have the chance to find my place in life. A chance to do more than I am doing now. I have hope, that there maybe a reason to be hopeful in 2011.
So, this is kinda where I am.