This past winter has been very hard on me. My pain just keeps finding new and inventive ways to make it worse. The pain has become different. There was a time when I Just felt pain, now it feels like my body actually is hurting. Thus, feel beat up. More like a beat down, truth be told. If there were a silver lining I have noticed considerable return of feeling in my body and it still keeps on coming. But, at this point the silver lining really isn’t one anymore. You take the return if I can live a life with out the pain that dictates my life.
I have made, ummm, several attempts to get back to work. As, I should not be surprised that pain always seems to crop up and show me I can’t work. Unfortunately, As much I want to work, it is not in the plan right now. It was a conclusion I didn’t want to make. For the reason without that, I wouldn’t have much to look forward to. This winter i have become a shut in as most days it is too much to get out of the house. I haven’t played rugby or Basketball. I go to local coffee shop to waste time on the internet. I am just trying to exist.I have found myself letting people I care about drift away. And, I don’t know what I could do to fix things. don’t have the energy. I just hope that things will turn around and I can do more than just exist.
Things have been hard. It feels like I am at some new low. And, I am talking summer of ’07 low. I try to keep the hope alive. It is tough sometimes. As, life keeps kicking my ass. And, I don’t know what to do. I feel blank. I try to find things to keep me engaged, but every time I come up empty. I am getting the feeling that life is pulling the whole getting in the car routine. It is no fun. Not only as it destroyed my life it has some of the best things of my life…friendships, career, hope (but, there is some left), happiness, and my joy for life I once had. to be honest I find this part of my life more challenging than ’07. At least back then I didn’t know anything. ignorance was bliss. As much as it pains me to say this, “I don’t see a future.” It is a horrible feeling.
The one concept I have found myself hanging onto. “It is always darkest before the dawn”. So, just maybe, just maybe. Fingers crossed…that dawn is about to break.