It was back in November I made, what I considered my last ditch effort, an attempt to work. After all was said and done I had to come to the unfortunate realization that working a full-time job is not a reality right now and even more as of late. Since December my nerve pain seems to be even more challenging. It has been tough on me. I haven’t been out much lately. When I do get out I have quickly realized that I don’t have the stamina I once had. It really has been hard on me. It feels that I have lost major ground over the last month or so. The last thing I would want is waste this time I have today. Everyday is important and I don’t want to lose anymore than I have to. But, the reality is that I have become used to this issue. I do what I can and hope for that one day I wont have to deal with that which holds me back most…..pain. At this point the paralysis is easy when faced against the pain. Pain is my disability, not the chair. That is a fact. I do know I would be in an entirely different place if I didn’t have this pain. And, is that what frustrates and drags me down. I just want my pain to go away.
On a silver lining of all this pain is that I have noticed that I have had more and more return over the last couple of months. I am getting more and more sensation, well sorta, in my legs and back. Even the stomach a little. It is good news for the future, as the more function I have in the future the better the chance of getting my body back, and even more important…no pain. And, that future is what is keeping me hoping, trying, not giving up. I also do believe that more return will come to my body over the next or two. But, if it were up to me I would give up the return in my body than deal with this pain issue. it is just not worth it. Unfortunately, it is not up to me. But, I do know based on the change I have been seeing lately I will have significant more return a year from now. and, probably even more two years from now. But, again….I can easily live without the pain and the return if I didn’t have to live with pain. I could work. I could be doing a multitude of wonderful things. but, that is not for me right now. I have come to accept this time in my life with hope of a better future. That is all I have to keep sane during these times.
I am not retreating, however. I am attempting to see if a electrical stimulator that disrupts the pain signals to brain. I saw my primary doctor to get the ball rolling. It will take time to make this happen, assuming it works. As part of the process I have a test run. If that works the this pace-maker type thing is then put into my back and it reduces my pain. And, if that happens. I will have a new life. A life without pain.
I have lost some ground that last few months, but I have hope and perseverance. And, even though I am behind, I have lived long enough to know I can still comeback. I can’t explain why this is my life right now, but I “KNOW’ this is temporary and that keeps me going….hope. What a wonderful thing. I don’t know what life would be without it.