It is the eve of my departure here at Craig and I have this nervousness about the future. I wish I knew that everything is going to turn out alright when I leave here. I wish I knew what is going to happen over the next few days and months. But I can’t. I just have to live them and enjoy everyday for what it is. Living everyday is something we struggle to do. All of us are trained to look ahead and plan for the future. Growing up we were not taught to the concept of living today for today. I guess what I am saying with the change in my life I want to know everything is going to turn out. I hope and that I can live again on my own. I wish I could explain the nervousness of the future for me but I can’t. I am hope all of you can join me as I take my next steps in life. I am sure I will be an interesting journey.
This has been on my mind for a couple of days. It is today one year ago I left Craig and went back to Phoenix. So much has happened in the last 365 days. As I re-read what I wrote a year ago I was right. I had no idea what was on my horizon. I will say that things have turned out “ok”. But, as you can imagine it did not turn out as I would have liked. Soon after my return to Arizona I struggled to find myself. I struggled to find happiness. I just wasn’t happy. I would like to think I handled everything just fine, but I didn’t. I did struggle. I did push away the ones I loved. I did become a bit depressed. But, I would like to think I did do some good things too. As I look back I don’t know if I can fully describe what happened in Arizona. It was just too intense for me. I felt overwhelmed. I felt disappointed by what had happened.
So, as things changed I made a decision to move to Texas in hopes of walking again. Pretty much everyone was skeptical of my decision. I totally understand that. But, I was not happy in my current situation. I was desperate to walk again. Looking back at my decision to move to Texas, albeit was not going to get me to walk agian, I believe it was the right decision. After my accident I had some issues that I did not know how to handle them. By Going to Texas and living alone for a while I had the opportunity to deal with my issues and not expose them to the ones I loved.
So, I am back home in Colorado and doing much better. I am finding goals, happiness, and a future. So, things seemed to have turned out alright. I will admit, however, that what could have been in my life and what was still haunts me. I am getting past that, but very slowly.
I really don’t know what else to say. As I have mentioned before…”if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”. That is pretty much my life. I do have new plans, Hopefully the big guy isn’t laughing. As it turns out, it was an interesting journey.