Way to couped up.

02 Jul

I know I have not written in two weeks. I appologize. I know I wrote about how strong my mind was. But, yesterday I was not that strong man. It has become really hot here in Phoenix, so I spent the day inside. Unfoutunately, that only made my mind race. I really was going crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about what was, and how good it could have become. It was hard. I will admit I didn’t make the best decision though. I poured myself a drink and before I knew I was really drunk. I felt so sorry for myself. I didn’t know what to do.

After realizing I was intoxicated pretty well I went to bed. After getting into bed Erika called and at which point the flood gates opened up. I will admit I cried, but I really sobbed. I was drunk and sad. I couldn’t control myself. I laid there and I wanted my life back so much. I wanted what I had so bad. I was devistated. Maybe it was good for me to let it out. Last night was as low as I have been in a very long time, if it was not the lowest. It sucks.

So, mom is coming here to spend some time with me. It should be good. We are going to talk about what I want to do. Where do I go from here. Having her here will help a lot.

I know this is not a postive post, but it was the truth. I have to be honest with myself and you. Hopefully this is the bottom, because if I go lower I am in for some hard times.


Posted by on July 2, 2007 in Previous Posts


8 responses to “Way to couped up.

  1. eecarson

    July 2, 2007 at 12:52 pm

    love ya joel. although i’m far away my heart is wih you. just wanted to remind you how loved you really are.


  2. mb

    July 2, 2007 at 3:26 pm

    I wish life could always be positive, but we all know better. I’m glad your Mom is coming to see you, comfort is what she gives openly! Wish I could be with her to give you hug, and a pep talk. Things will be better…

  3. Eric

    July 2, 2007 at 4:35 pm

    Joel – The fact that you can share your lowest of lows tells us what we already know – you’re on your way to better times. You’re lucky to have such an awesome family, enjoy your mom’s company.

    We think about you every single day! Keep the posts coming – we’ve been in withdrawal the past few weeks.

    Love ya brother,

  4. Beth

    July 2, 2007 at 4:43 pm

    Crying is really cleansing. I highly recommend it as a stress relief mechanism. Ahhhh.


  5. Mel Benedict

    July 2, 2007 at 4:49 pm

    you hang in there brother, you are one of the best. I would have to disagree with you on the “yesterday, I was not that stong man” comment. You have shown so much strength over the past months that a couple of totties and good cry could not even begin to tarnish you reputation. If you ever begin to doubt your courage or insperation just scan back over this web site and take a look………….awwwwwwwwww that was way out of character for me, i need a drink now. mel

  6. Holly & Bob

    July 3, 2007 at 9:12 am

    Joel, Hang in there! We love you and are so proud of the young man you have become. One day at a time. Thanks for sharing your deep thoughts. Remember you are not alone although some days it may seem that way. You have alot of guardian angels that surround you. We love you so much, Holly & Bob

  7. Renee

    July 3, 2007 at 9:58 am

    Everybody has been to a point in their lives when nothing seems to make sense… and it is always worse at night. But, the sun does rise the next day and those sad thoughts start to melt away. Maybe not permanently but at least more subdued. Just remember, no matter how low you feel, the next day is just that; another day. Another day to make a decision on how you want to move forward. It’s brave of you to be sharing these feelings and my respect and pride in being able to call you a friend grows with each of your thought provoking posts.

  8. cuz paul

    July 3, 2007 at 9:53 pm

    I know we all have advice and one-liners for you, but when it comes down to it we have no idea what you’re going through. You’re honesty is beautiful. And please know how much we love you and that we’re trying to understand. We’ve got your back brother. love, p+b


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