Let me start off by warning all of you… this is not going to be a inspirational post. I am going to open up very honestly and candidly. Because it is best for me and all of you to understand my journey.
Since my return to Arizona I have encountered a lot of challenges and pitfalls. Over the last couple of days I have crossed paths with activities I can’t do anymore. Most of these things are, were, my passions in life. They are the things that kept me working hard on the weekdays so I could do them on the weekends. These are the things that put a smile on my face. These are the things that made me who I was. Coming home and having the realization that I have lost the ability to do most of the things I loved. It felt like my I don’t know who I am anymore. People say that I will find new things to do. This may sound childish, but I don’t want to find new things. I cherished riding my bike the the grocery store on Saturday morning so I could make Erika breakfast. I loved riding my bike to my favorite pub and buy a beer or two, or too many. I love getting up on a Sunday and hiking Camelback Mountain, I always felt so refreshed after a hike. I love getting on the bike my father bought me 15 years ago and buying a bottle of wine on Friday night for Erika and I. I love the feeling of taking off my backpack after a long hike in to the wilderness. I loved going out with Big Pun in Flagstaff and riding our mountain bikes. I loved the relaxation of a nice walk in Tempe. I will admit I have broken down out of sadness and mourning. I have laid in bed and searched for hope and not found it. These have been some of the hardest days of my life. I am now and empty soul looking for things that put the smile on my face and let me forget all of lifes hardships. This search feels like I am at the bottom of Mt Everest and I have to get to the top. The journey feels to big to conquer.
Before my return to Arizona I told my self that I wanted to be strong for both myself and Erika. I want to be the person that was able to take the turn in life and hit the gas. It is hard to admit that I am a person in need of help. I have come to the realization that I can’t do this alone. I need to learn to be strong for myself. I need help finding new passions. I need help finding that smile. If I don’t the Joel all us of knew may be lost and never return again. I know I liked him and I want him to return too.
I am writing this from the ASU Campus. I came with Erika while she went to campus. The first thing I did was buy a cookie. It seemed to make me feel better because at Craig I always had cookies on hand to eat. For some reason Craig is a place I miss. There I was the majority. Craig was full of people that had nothing but hope. Craig was a bubble that seperated me from the challenges I have encountered over the last couple of days. As soon as she is done we are going shopping for some cloths and other things I need.
This weekend I heading back to Flagstaff. A buddy is getting married. Since I don’t have a car a couple of buddies are coming down from Flagstaff to pick me up. I know it wil be good for me to go. Going to the wedding is one of many steps on learning to live again. Things like going to weddings, bars, and national parks are all steps to getting back on track. It will also be nice to hang out with old friends. The the nice thing about old friends is that they know how to tell you the truth about truths you don’t want deal with. I am also sure we may sit around and talk about old times and drink tequila. Everybody has old friends that we seem to sit around and talk about the good times and drink our favorite drinks. It’s the these times that we all remember with the most fondness.
The sun breaks the horizon every 24 hours and we all have to make the day the best we can. This is a concept I cannot forget. I can’t find the things that put a smile back on my face over a couple of days or weeks. As the sun comes everyday I need to find a way to get a little closer to the smile I lost. I need to make a phone call to find out about wheelchair basketball. The next day maybe watch basketball. the next week play. As the sun goes up and falls into the horizon I need to fight for what was lost. I need to remember on the days that I may have lost ground that the sun will come up again. Everyday is a new opportunity to fight for what was lost. This fight will be a long. The fight will be both emotional and physical. But every 24 hours the sun will come up regardless if I won or lost the previous.
I know post was not about hope and triumph. I know this may be hard for some of you to read. I know some of you may be worried for me. I know some of you may be thinking of things to help me. All I can say is if I don’t write the truth about my journey I can’t find my smile again. I have to be honest about this jouney. It is best for everyone. All I ask is send my your prayers, good thoughts and be patience with me. I have a long journey ahead of me.